Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
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I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.