waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
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why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.