waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
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I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.