WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
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Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!