Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
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My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Eat…
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.