Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
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if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy