*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
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carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.