[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
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You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
courtroom exchange of the day
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Put the is in disheveled
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?