WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
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Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.