Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
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absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one