WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
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Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.