WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
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Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
next question.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot