WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
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her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about