WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
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oh no, steve’s working tonight
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday