*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
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Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.