WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
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[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Me as a therapist: omg same
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.