Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
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Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.