Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
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You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you