Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
You Might Also Like
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Oh my god
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Comparing yourself to others
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.