Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
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I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
accurate
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
smh
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them