WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
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Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.