waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
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some Old Testament wisdom
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Hmmmmm
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Challenge accepted.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong