waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
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can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.