waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
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Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Erm…
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*