waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
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Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
that’s really how it is
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole