Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
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[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars