Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
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Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?