My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
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[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”