Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
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Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately