Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
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[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Can. I. Help. You.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
🤣🤣🤣
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
That’s fair
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry