WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
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Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT