Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
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WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?