Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
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Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”