Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
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An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.