WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
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I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
This made me chuckle cuz mood
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.