WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
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I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Wikigenius
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*