WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
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Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.