WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
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ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Need WebMD
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*