[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
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If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago