@ObscureGent: Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
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@handsock_butts: 6 year old: daddy look we've had a whirlpool in our house this whole time! Dad: for the love of god Timmy please get out of the toilet
@MartaEffing: *hears suspicious noise in backyard, is too lazy to get up & investigate* *smells cookies baking at neighbors house, immediately goes over*
@notacroc: GROCER: slide your card ME: it didn't work GROCER: does it have a chip? ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no