[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
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“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Autocorrect completely socks
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos