Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
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Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.