@simoncholland: Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
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@FatherWithTwins: Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman. 4yo: Who's Aquaman? Me: EXACTLY!
@TheHyyyype: My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
@notorious_stars: My girlfriend looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped Wearing them