Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
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19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.