[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
You Might Also Like
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles