*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
peak technology
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
gentlemen, hear me out
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy