I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
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Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”