Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
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I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A