Well, shit
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I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
*seductively eats two tums*
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right