Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
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No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
uh oh
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.