You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
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BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.