And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
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[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
his wife is probably gonna see that
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂